Life

This is something which I wrote last year. This got lost somewhere in my Evernote notes, found this out last night and was amazed to read it. Here it is!

We are here for a limited period of time. This period is called life and what we have to do is, just live. But what living actually means? Is that simply being still and going on with the flow of life. Not doing anything specifically or is it experiencing all of the things in this world,be it good or be it bad. May be that's how we learn. But there is one thing which I think we should avoid, which is tough and that is getting attached to people. I find myself getting attached to every other person that I meet sometimes. May be he or she won' be there again anytime soon, but I just stick to them so much. That's the reason I get so much excited when someone praises me and  unknowingly it somehow becomes a need. I do things so that others feel good about it, so that they get pleased and in return they could praise me. May be that's the reason I try to be a lot more funnier than I am, try to say things which don't come from the inside, but are more of mentally made, just to please someone. At first it was great, I was doing things to please people and the outcome was just the way I wanted, they praised me and the feeling satisfied me. But then as the time passed by things got a lot more different. So I was faking myself. Trying to be a lot more cooler. I did that for a very long time and it didn't feel good. As of now I don't have any friends, leaving a few which too are the old ones, sticking somehow by my side. 

I've realized many things now, to not to be fake even if it feels bad, to not to get attached to people because loneliness is the bitter medicine which will heal me and will make me a lot more stronger. Being lonely makes me discover who I am, I develop myself in pain. 

This year has been an amazing year. I'm seeing myself change every single month and day of this year. I have experienced so much in this year. I'm thankful to god, and thankful in general for all that I have. I'm happy. 

Judge people

We all are different in this world.
By color, by names, by body and many other things. Not just physically we are a lot more different mentally from each other.
Different people have different mentality. Some sexist, some racist, some pessimist and some narcissist.
Not just that, we go through different conditions and different circumstances which ultimately molds up our mind and thought process.
Some are doomed in negativity and some are rejoicing in positivity.
Positive people are judged in a good way but the negative ones are judged and judged again in every single move they make and the people who judge them, think they won't be ever in a situation like others are. They would always rejoice and be happy. What they fail to understand is that we have to go through all of this, face all the scars, fill buckets with our tears to bring our best self out and to be strong as you were never before.
Some negative people have faced so much that they no more have the strength to hold on to negativity to themselves. They give out negativity, they shout, do mean things, irritate at times and that is totally not their mistake.
It would be ours if we judge the, because we don't know what they have been through.
Even if they are lying or pretending to gain sympathy, we never know, so we should never judge them.

Who knows we would be in their situation sometime soon.

Tough times

We feel low. We cry. We go through a lot of tough times. We share this mutual phases but at different times.
When someone is happy may be the other one is going through a really bad phase. Differences exist which makes sharing things uneasy.
What if the other person doesn't relates to it? And says something which you don't want to hear.
In loneliness you only want to do one thing, that is to talk to people, nothing else feels more satisfying. But we shouldn't. Just because we feel lonely doesn't mean we would reach out to any mean person which looks good or is desired by most of the people in your circles.
But doing this is tough. You don't have anyone to talk to and  you cannot seek out for anyone.
The fear of being judged remains.

Lonliness

What is loneliness? Is it really being alone? Or is it being alone mentally, when you're around a dozen of people but still you feel a sense of loneliness. What exactly it is?
May be it is different for, different kinds of people.
I,when I'm engrossed in some work however silly it might be I don't feel alone.
For me loneliness happens when in a Whatsapp group no one replies to your message.
When you hang out with your friends whom you know for around 5-6 years but you don't feel that sense of connection. You feel left out.
You crack jokes, you do all the fun stuff just to impress, it doesn't comes naturally as it should and then loneliness kicks in.
You feel miserable for a moment, you come home or sit somewhere and think about everything and anything.
About how many genuine people you have in your life. Does anyone actually cares about you?
When you're gonna find that special someone who is gonna understand all of your thoughts, who is gonna be there for you always.
I sometimes start to dream. Dream about how life would be with that special someone. Thinking all the good stuff that could happen to both of us.
Slowly it fades,something else comes up and you forget about it and loneliness is on pause for sometime. If you don't get distracted, you may cry for sometime which is even better because then you feel a lot more better.
Things get stable and the good phase kicks in. Maybe someone comes to meet you or may be you just start enjoy your own company.

To know a person

Knowing a person is like diving into a lake,

It may look clean and peaceful from the outside.

But it would have a lot of dirt settled deep down.

It's hard to go deep down the lake. But the curiosity pushes you always.

Once you are there, you disturb the settlement, making the water dirty, knowing how it really is, it is now how you react that matters.

It may also contain some really beautiful stones and fishes, some of them which you won't find in any other lake.

Some which are very hard to find.

Some which you like, and have always heard of.

But the choice is yours, to appreciate the stones and fishes? Or complain about how much dirty the lake is not allowing the dirt to settle down.

Once you're in the lake, how the lake looks is in your hands.

Choose to play with the fishes and appreciate the beautiful stones and let the dirt settle down.

Expressing ourselves

All of us we express or we try to express. Express it in many ways. Expressing gives us a certain satisfaction. But it also sometimes makes us sad

We express by writing. Sometimes by dancing. Poets express themselves by their poems. Painters express themselves by their paintings.

Artists basically they express themselves in their work.

And what is expressing feels like?

It's hard, because when you express you have to express yourselves deeply and precisely anything different than that or less than that won't feel satisfying and true.

You have to go on for hours, digging deep inside yourself, discovering yourself.

And when we express ourselves truly and precisely however dark it may be. People will appreciate, and you won't feel any need to impress them or a need to impress anyone around for that matter and you shouldn't feel so, the need to impress everyone around because our task is to go through this journey of life, experience things, feel them and express them as it is and the right people will follow in our lives and may be this is what being real really is.

This is a lesson to myself by myself 

Is it okay to be Single?

Days back. I started this blog and my very first write up was "It is okay to be Single".

Honestly, I wrote that just to gain peoples attention. Now that I'm being true to myself, I see that. But a statement back then has became a question now. Is it really okay to be Single?

A part of me says, yes it is. Because when you are in a relationship you are too much into the other person initially. You don't care about yourself and that is something which I did and that resulted possessiveness in the relationship, which was then the major cause of the end of it.

You'll experience some unbearable mental pain in a relationship, because it is very painful when someone you like fights with you or things aren't good with them. It will be very hard. But you'll get better after sometime and things will get better.

You experience a different kind of pain when you're single and a different kind, when you're in a relationship. True, that both the kinds of pain makes you stronger. 

Being single you go through the pain of loneliness, the pain of not being accepted by anyone, the pain that no one is there for you anymore. This kind of pain isn't so painful comparatively but it lasts long and comes back and every now and then. What you gain? You gain so much by this pain. You start to love yourself. You learn that no one gives a shit what you do and no one actually cares and it is pointless to waste your energy thinking what they might think of you. You set goals, you do things because there is time, you think about your future. Such things benefit you, but the kind of pain you experience in a relationship just makes you stronger emotionally and gives you an idea to how to deal with such situations in near future. It won't make you better in any way, it won't shape your future neither it is gonna help you achieve your dreams.

Exceptions are still there and all in all these are my thoughts and you're free to agree or disagree. As I said before, you need to realize that no one gives a shit about what you do, what you think or what you feel.

Quiting Social Networks

I've tried quiting Social networking sites. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, all of them. Just not Whatsapp because of obvious reasons. 

To be honest for the first two to three weeks it felt miserable, because of an urge to get back and check the social feeds or may be an urge to upload something.

But it soothes up as the time goes by not because you understand the fact that why quiting is important but because you don't remember anymore. You get used to not checking your newsfeed every now and then, not uploading pictures every now and then. All of it is good, you lead a simple life all in all. But there are certain downsides which I think exists. 

One, you start to feel, lonely, depressed and most of the times I cry because for a guy like me who doesn't have much of an emotional support from anyone around (not even parents)

It is quiet obvious that I'll cry, and I cry. 

Second, I am not totally against the idea of taking selfies, just that I don't click many. But I click a lot of photos. Landscape photos and photos when I travel to new places. Then I edit them and I post this on Instagram. Slowly Instagram became a reason why I was traveling to new places just to click pictures and explore. I watched travel videos on YouTube sometimes and that gave me a kick to travel and document it somewhere. Make a video or click pictures may be. So while I quit Instagram I also quit the urge to go out, travel or explore. 

Third, I play guitar. At first I didn't used to tell anyone that I play guitar or for that matter I even have one. But lately I got a little better in it and I also sing, not nicely, but I sing. So I started posting my videos playing guitar and singing. So now I had an audience and even if no one appreciated the efforts, I knew they were watching and that too gave me a kick. Kick because I knew I have made an effort to change, and to try something new. May be at first I may get teased and made fun of but slowly the feeling that the guy does what he does would sink into their minds, and things which would be surprising to them about me would become a casual thing. That makes me happy. Because I know after sometime, the future me would have this particular skill. 

But leaving instagram may also put this down a little bit, not entirely but a little bit..

Fourth, whatever I do.  A part of me is an artist. I draw, I write, I sing, I dance and most importantly I create stuff and for an artist, an audience​ is necessary. 

Leaving social network would make the audience fade away. 

It is only because of Instagram that people know me that I sing and play Guitar.

So, there is this solution I have came up with.

I would post stuff which is important and needs to be posted. 

But I won't scroll around and see the other things happening around the socials.

I won't disappear from all of the socials but would limit the use of it. 

Use it only if I have something to post or share to the people around. Other than that I decide to refrain from scrollling.