I wasn't named

I wasn't named. You didn't even see me properly. I may have existed, but as a problem for you. You didn't want me, but I am here now and all you want now is that I vanish or die somehow.

I listen all of this, but still I like the space in here :) it's cozy and it feels home.

May be I won't be here for too long.

As I may be cut down, sucked out or just melted down by some bitter pills :)

But it's fine. May be I'll enjoy some last few days or hours maybe.

I am healthy and I am all excited to come and grow and see this amazing world now, but, it won't be possible I guess. But it's okay. Some other lifetime maybe.

I know, you have your reasons to abort me. I know you don't feel good about aborting me maa, and it's okay. I don't blame you for that.

Just do the least. Just pray for me :)

Just acknowledge me. I may have not been named but don't forget me. Please.

Tell my brother or my sister that I existed and I had to leave soon, you can lie about the reason ;)

But just let them know about me. I hope you find happiness and love and light maa :)

Bye!

Meethi cheeze

Ajeeb haina hum bhi
Jo pyaar deta hai, uss se pyaar chahte nahi
Aur jo nahi deta, ussi ke dhar bhatakte phirte hain.

Chahne wale koi aur hote hain
Par dete wo level hum kisi aur ko hain.
Kyu?
Shaydh dhikawa ke jhaanse mai aakar.
Mithas ko chakk kar.

Samaj tho baad hi mai aata hai.
Ki jo mithas achi lagti thi, wo mushkil ghadiyo mai saat nai deti.
Aksar wo kadwai dawai hi hume khade hone ka sahara deti hai.

Phir thodi samaj aati hai zindagi ki.
Par ye tho sirf ek padhaav hai.

Naa jaane aise kitne jagah
Hum aise hi anjaan bhatakte phirte hai
Hur roz, jhaanso mai khelte huye, apne aap ko na-chahne walo ke haato mai sopte hue.

Par shukra hai ki ek ghar hai.
Ghar hai jahan maa papa hai.
Bhai behen hai.
Hai kadwe jitne bhi, pata hai, wahin mera saccha jahaan hai.

After 13 years

School time was the best time of my life till now and the ones that I met in school will always hold a special place in my heart. Be it even 30 years from now, I'm still gonna have the same longing for meeting my school friends as if it was just yesterday that I had come to Mumbai leaving Jabalpur.
I never ever thought of meeting my school friends anytime soon. I searched for them on social media websites, and luckily I found a few, some are still missing. I connected with them, made some plans to meet soon, but I knew on the inside how tough things are as of now and it won't be possible anytime soon for me to travel to Jabalpur.
While searching and connecting to everyone online, I found this girl, with no name on her profile. No mention of anything related to our school, just that we had mutual friends and her face. That face reminded me of things, of mornings, of assemblies, of annual days, of recess, and what not. I followed her, and she followed me back too. We had a conversation after that and then I came to know who she actually was. Now I was actually able to remember, who she is.

Fast forward to some months ahead, and she was here in Mumbai. At first I didn't really knew what to feel, how to react when she reached out to me and asked me if I was free to meet. I didn't feel anything special at first, which was strange. We planned and we met. I showed her around some place in Mumbai, still I wasn't feeling things, I should've. Although I was very happy the moment I saw her. It was a flashback into dreams and memories and what not. The day ended and as I was heading back home, that is when it actually hit me, what had just actually happened.
I had actually met one of my friends from school time after 13 long years, and so much  has changed and yet our talks and stories remained the same. How magical it was to think of it.
I met her the other day too, and this time I didn't really show, but I was the happiest :)
And this time, I didn't miss a moment of realizing whatever that was happening was once a dream for me.
I'm thankful.
Priyanka, or any of my school friends if you're reading this, you may see this, or question this as to why it has to be so hyped.
But I feel, that is how actually things went for me.
That is how a part of me was taken away from me, forever, when I left that place and never got filled again, I just learned to live with it.
Dreaming. Wishing.
Now, thanking, when it is actually happening :)

First trek of the year 2018: Rajmachi

This was the first trek of the year. It was on the 10th of February. As usual I was all geared up a day before, with my rucksack and all the itenaries required. I woke up early around 4 in the morning, did my morning routine and left house by 5.

This trek was special, my friend Jasraj was also joining me for this trek. I've never been for a trek with anyone close to me. This was the first time, I was all exicited. I met him at Dadar station. We got into the train around 6:30 and met the rest of the boys. It took 2 hours to reach Lonavala. Once we reached, we took an Auto to the basecamp. Along the way I was introduced to all the new people that were coming along. We had a delicious lunch. We stuffed ourselves with all the good Maharashtrian food. After lunch we chilled for a while under a tree which followed by another instroduction session.

We summited for the top without our bags, we were camping somewhere else for the night.

We reached the top, the view was breathtaking. I sat there for a while, deeply resonated there.

After half an hour we were on our way back. We also experienced the amazing Kondana cave and the other small ones too.

 We reached our base camp in another half an hour, took our bags, geared up, and headed towards our camping spot.

I couldn't believe my eyes when we reached the camping spot, the spot was amazing. It was right in the middle of the jungle. It was like a movie set, I explored it as much as I can. I found a big crystal stone while exploring the place around and felt lucky.

Boys started taking out the items for dinner from bags while the rest of us went out to search for woods to burn. It took quite a while for dinner to get ready, but I knew it would be worth the wait. It was Pao Bhaji for dinner, and Prithvi the MVC( Most valuable cook) was cooking it. I ate 6 Pao's, I couldn't control myself. The food was beyond tasty. With my tummy full, Robston took us for another treat. Star gazing. He walked us from darkness into an open space and told us to look down for a while and then look towards the sky. We did that, it was magical. It felt as if the stars were just above us, we could touch them. We sat there for an hour or so. Then went back to the camping spot. I was tired, so I went to sleep.

I woke up next morning to the sound of the birds, again I was amazed by the surrounding we were in, it felt so magical. Prithvi greeted me with morning tea. After that, had some really nice Poha for breakfast. Started packing up everything early from tent to my things, as the trek down was from a long route. Lost our way twice while coming down. But it was fun.

Amazing experience again. Loved it.

Harihar fort trek

It had been a while since I have been for a trek. Also I've been going through a really tough phase. So had to clear out a lot of things, had to dump a lot of negativity out of it. So, I thought maybe this trek would help.


The trek was on 6th of November. All set for it, all the preparations done. On 5th Dinal also came to Mumbai, we met that day. The next day, on 6th, I was up by 4 in the morning. I had already packed everything that was needed for the trek, my backpack was all set. Left my home around 4:30 for Dadar station. My bag was a lot more heavier than I thought, but I was managing it somehow. It was around 5:50, I met Sachin at the station. We boarded the train around 6 for Nasik.

I had not idea how much time it would take to reach the destination, I kept my bag in the train, and stood near the door, listening to some songs. In a while, the train was packed with people and I have no idea how I stood there for 3 long hours, with all the aunties and uncles around and with all the fishy smell complimenting it. We were 6 guys in total, me, Saching, Akash and 3 more guys which I'll get to know a little later.


We got down at Nasik station, went to a nearby hotel had breakfast. Got into a taxi which took us to our base camp. It was a 2 hour drive from the station to the base camp. We chilled for around 2-3 hours at the base camp as rest of the team was arriving from the other end. They arrived. We had our lunch and started the trek as soon as we finished. At first it seemed to be very tough, my bag was tough and every time I looked up I would've only covered a little distance, which lowered the moral a little bit.

But I didn't stop on my own, I stopped when every one else did and in a blink of an eye I was seeing the orange gate up close, which was the objective for the day. The 70 degrees steep climb had the best of me, it was amazing. I saw the best sunset till now that day, the sky changing its colors from yellow to orange and then red and purple. It was amazing.


We reached the top, pitched our tents and in between when I looked up at the sky, it was something which I had never seen before. So many stars, I could see some constellation like patterns up in the sky. I was in an awe and kept looking at the sky for an hour or so.  The boys started cooking dinner for the night. While we were waiting for the dinner, I had a chat with Aklesh in our tent. Then I saw the most amazing moon I've ever seen in my life, it was rising up in the sky and like the sun it too changed colors. From red to orange to yellow and to finally yellowish white. It was the best.

I had my dinner in a while. We made the bon fire and relaxed for a while in front of it. It was beautiful.

The next day, I got up around 7:30 in the morning, got out of the tent. It was very cold but it felt good. After some time there were monkeys around us, I enjoyed watching them as it was long since I have seen a live monkey in front of me.

We had our breakfast and headed to the another end of the top. Now we were actually gonna touch the top of the fort. Top with the orange flag, we got there and it felt amazing. It was hot as the sun was shining bright but it felt very good.

We wrapped up everything and came down. It was quiet a trek. 

Pyaar ki taakat

I've always wondered why certain celebrities, certain big names, certain big people always say this one thing. "Thank you for all the love, you all have given to me"

I get this statement, but I never could understand how they could focus on all the love they received, when all the hate and negative things were much more than that.

I get it now, how they could focus on only the love they got. Because, love from a single person is much more than hate from a dozen others.

Recently, I posted a story, some loved it and reposted it. Messaged me about it. It felt so positive, so good. That even if 20 of them hated it, I would never mind because, the two of them loved it.

Thank you for all the love!

Two coffins

I feel,
Everyone in their life goes into two coffins.

You go into your first coffin when you loose out on everything both physically and mentally.
When you hit the rock bottom.

You go into your second coffin when the soul exits your body.

The number one coffin has many nails to seal you inside it. Insecurities, fear of failure, anxiety, many more, all of these are the nails. Once the final nail on the coffin is punched, there is one and only one thing which could help you get out of it. Your 'why?'. That is your key to get out of your first coffin. If your 'why?' is precise enough you'll come out easily. So if you feel that you're in your first coffin and you're reading this, this is the key I use to get out of mine, may be it works for you too, and if you don't have your 'why?' search for it as this is the only coffin in which you stand a chance to break open.

Taking life for granted

Last night I was coming back home after meeting a friend of mine.

Close to my home, in a turning, I saw a cat lying. I moved closer to her, she wasn’t breathing. Her eyes had gone all black and some blood was coming out from her mouth. Maybe someone had hit her while speeding their vehicle.

I was about to rub her chest, suddenly she let out a breath and again went without it. I started rubbing her chest so that she could breath. She didn’t. I tried pouring some water in her mouth but she didn’t.

Just as I was pouring in last drop of water, she breathed her last and she was gone.

I carried her body and placed it in a safe place, far away from the road and prayed.

What hit me?

We ignore the fact that life is precious and we take it for granted every single time. Postponing the things we want to do in our life. Postponing the things that we love to do in our life. We ignore the fact that our life can end in a small moment and we’ll be there, left lifeless.

So, do the best you can. Take one day at a time. Small steps, baby steps. Enjoy, and don’t give up.

As someone said

“Learn to take rest, not to quit”

Discovering new places

I've always been fascinated to go to new places. Discovering new things. Lately, I've been fascinated to find places which are isolated and are not much known about, where not many have visited before. Such places turn out to be my healing spots. Living in a city and quiet a well-known place, it's pretty hard to find such places around. I've found some and I'm sure I'll find some more. If you've found an isolated place, if you find a connection with it, it is your responsibility to enter it with respect. If it is quiet, it is your responsibility to keep it that way. It is quiet easy to give away these places whenever someone asks you about it, but then the place would lose its magic. So I keep it as a secret. So that only the passionate enough and the inspired enough are able to find these places. So that the deserving ones, come here, resonate, heal and go back strong to fight all their battles. 

Why I should never stop

Why I should never stop? and why am I doing all of this? I ask myself every now and then these questions. Improving myself, doing hard things to make things better,to make myself better, to make a  better version of myself. I think I do all of this, so that I can make others better, make them happy by changing them into their better versions. 

People don't listen to just anyone. Your accomplishments are what, you're judged on, before anything else. Even if you give shit advice to someone, if you've achieved something. People will take it as perfect advice, even if it is shit. So to make a change, you yourself have to change, do things you want others to do. Make yourself happy. Experience all the process by yourself and then share the experience with them. That's why all of this and that's why I should never stop. That's why you should never stop.

Your downs

Whatever that is holding you down right now, lock it down in a box. Feel it. But don't let them control the situations, you have to live this very moment first and then worry about the future. No one knows, if there is going to be another sunrise for you tomorrow. The only thing which you have and you own is, NOW. So try not to feel down, because of the thoughts that you have in mind. Make every moment worth it. Your body is out of shape, that is okay. You are having any physical problems, that's okay. Your life is a mess right now, that's okay. Let’s look on the brighter side. Let’s celebrate on what you have now rather than looking on all the things you are losing out on. Not many get a life to live as a human being, be grateful for it and live to the fullest. I know, it's hard. But I know you can do it. I can do it. Everyone can do it, once they decide to do it. Here is a poem from a movie I watched recently. I hope it boosts you up. 

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

~ Chief Tecumseh 

Merry Christmas

Christmas has always been very close to my heart. The reason, one, I grew up going to a Christian school. Every year there used to be a big fat Christmas celebration. I loved it. The part which I loved the most was, we were asked to bring old clothes, potatoes, rice or wheat, in any amount we wish. Even if we didn't bring anything that was okay. But most of us, used to bring some or the other thing. All of this would then be collected by a teacher and it would then be distributed to the poor and the homeless on the Christmas eve. It was magical seeing there faces bloom with happiness.

The second reason, why Christmas is close to my heart is because, it falls in the month of December and December is my favourite month. I don't know if anyone really dislikes December. 

Even if you belong to a different religion. Even if you believe in a different religion. Let's just take this festival on a lighter note. Let's celebrate. Be with your friends and family. Get your loved ones closer to you. Don't just get drunk and pass away. Enjoy the day and take care of yourself. 

Relationship changes you..

I have been in a relationship. A long, stable, loving, happy relationship. It has ended, for good. I don't know about the future but the things I've done, the things I've experienced while I was in a relationship were both painful, which I would never like to experience again and beautiful, totall bliss at times. Things do happen in a relationship. You understand the other person so deeply and precisely. Every day you go closer to the other person, you experience all the curves and edges of that person and it reciprocates. Relationship changes you, it makes you mature. It makes you understand what the opposite sex is all about. 

Earlier you were sweet, gentle, Innocent, because you didn't knew the truth. But once it comes to you, you change. You no more care about what people think about your relationship, you care more about what you and your partner thinks about the relationship. You know, actions speak louder than words now. You love the other person, and that shows by the way you behave with them, how you keep them, how you hold them, how you talk to them, how you treat them as a whole. Talks don't do the work, actions do. This is one of the many aspects that you discover when you're in a deep relationship with someone. This changes you totally, from in and out.

I want to give myself a block to recover from this. I want to reverse all of it. I want to be the same me, who didn't knew the answer to the questions, who was gentle and was still in a discovering process. I don't want to mature. I don't want to think to a level that it starts paining, me and only me. I want to be full of innocence again. 

A letter to my younger self..

Hie,

      I won't be telling you who I am or anything else about me, all I can tell you is, please continue reading as this may change how you feel about things, and change you completely as a whole. And may be, just may be, I may never exist. But only if you pay attention to the things that I've written here, and you choose to change from now onwards. So my dear, here it goes.

1) You're young. Soft. Gentle. Don't really want to hurt anybody. Scared sometimes to what may come up with a wrong action of yours. You're carefull. Sometimes you care more than you need to. It hurts, but you don't show it to anyone. I want you to change. Change for better. Don't get scared by people who behave to be stronger than you are, it isn't that you were bullied anytime. Just that you don't speak up. Follow, when you don't feel like doing it. Don't do that, it will harm only and only you. Fight if needed. It will pain. It will be uncomfortable. But it's okay my dear. 

2) It's totally okay to not have friends for a while. Don't worry if people don't accompany you when you want them too. You need to learn that not eveyrone will like you. That's fine. You need to learn to live alone and take pride in that. 

3) Never show a hint of innocence on your face, for they take this as a sign of your weakness. Weak, which you aren't. You're strong. Tough as a rock. Ready to face anything and everything which is thrown upon you. So be that, show them what you are. You are different, meant for something different. Be that. Do that.

4) Don't think about what other people think about you. I know you do that a lot, everyday, anytime you're free. You're on it and so worried about it. Like I said, not everybody's gonna like you ever. There will be lovers, there will be haters, there will be friends, there will different kinds of people everytime. They will have all the different opnions about you. But what matters is my friend, whether you take them into your head. Be it goood. Be it bad. Never take their opinions up to your head. That will make you sick and I know you never want to be that.

4) It's okay if you loose. It's okay if you fail. It's a blessing in disguise. Only if you fail, you will learn and trust me failures will take you places where winning never can. It will make you stronger, smarter and a better person if you choose to stand up everytime you fail. Which you've done everytime, just keep doing it without any hesitations or any second thoughts. Because that's the best you can do. 

5) Family is first. That being said not everything they say is right. Don't take their opinions up to your head. They say because they feel like that. That doesn't mean you're like that. They may have a different perspective, but it never can define who you are. So please don't get upset, when they something harsh or uncomfortable to you. Don't cry. It's alright. You have to be strong. Face it, because, I promise, better things wait for you. Things you would've never imagined. 

6) Work hard. I know you do, to the best of your ability, but do some more. It will benefit you and only you. 

7) Look at yourself and only yourself. Don't compare yourself with someone else. You're different. If someone has better things and knowledge than you, that it no ways decreases your self worth. Given the situation and time, anyone can succeed. Understand this and look at yourself and work harder to be a better version of yourself everyday.

8) Do crazy things. Don't be afraid. It's okay if you get bruises or broken legs. But never ignore what your heart says to you, like you always had. Brain is a fucked up place. If you can escape from that place, even for a while, do that.

9) Lastly, people do think about you. People do care about you. Don't feel so down when people don't respond to you or be a littler harsher on you. You're sensitive you know that, they don't. But that doesn't mean, they don't care about you. They do, just that they're being a version of themselves. You don't need anyones justification. You're awesome. You're amazing. You're a badass. Realize that. Fuck the world. Respect all. Fear none.

Recalling

Whenever I visit any new place or head for a new experience I've done this one thing which has helped me a lot to recall back all the memories. I listen to a particular song through out the journey or at times 2 to 3 songs is all I have to listen to, while I'm in such a situation. I visited Kerala few months back. Beautiful place to visit. Luckily I left Mumbai when the monsoons were about to hit God's own country. So as soon as I reached there, within two to three days it started raining moderately. It was a road trip actually with my friends dad and some of the mutuals that I know. So throughout the trip I listened to these three songs.
1) Linking Park - Waiting for the End
2) When chai meets toast - Firefly
3) When chai meets toast - Joy of little things
4) Justin Beiber - Company
5) Epic Soul Factory - Everdream
 All of them are my favourites in some or the other way. The trip was amazing with such good music always buzzing around my ears. The thing that hits me now is your brain has an ability to recall a memory when you listen to the song which you would've listened to, while making that memory. It's amazing. All of these songs when I listen to it now. Brings back all the memories. Precisely. Clearly. Total bliss when such things hit you

Life

This is something which I wrote last year. This got lost somewhere in my Evernote notes, found this out last night and was amazed to read it. Here it is!

We are here for a limited period of time. This period is called life and what we have to do is, just live. But what living actually means? Is that simply being still and going on with the flow of life. Not doing anything specifically or is it experiencing all of the things in this world,be it good or be it bad. May be that's how we learn. But there is one thing which I think we should avoid, which is tough and that is getting attached to people. I find myself getting attached to every other person that I meet sometimes. May be he or she won' be there again anytime soon, but I just stick to them so much. That's the reason I get so much excited when someone praises me and  unknowingly it somehow becomes a need. I do things so that others feel good about it, so that they get pleased and in return they could praise me. May be that's the reason I try to be a lot more funnier than I am, try to say things which don't come from the inside, but are more of mentally made, just to please someone. At first it was great, I was doing things to please people and the outcome was just the way I wanted, they praised me and the feeling satisfied me. But then as the time passed by things got a lot more different. So I was faking myself. Trying to be a lot more cooler. I did that for a very long time and it didn't feel good. As of now I don't have any friends, leaving a few which too are the old ones, sticking somehow by my side. 

I've realized many things now, to not to be fake even if it feels bad, to not to get attached to people because loneliness is the bitter medicine which will heal me and will make me a lot more stronger. Being lonely makes me discover who I am, I develop myself in pain. 

This year has been an amazing year. I'm seeing myself change every single month and day of this year. I have experienced so much in this year. I'm thankful to god, and thankful in general for all that I have. I'm happy. 

Judge people

We all are different in this world.
By color, by names, by body and many other things. Not just physically we are a lot more different mentally from each other.
Different people have different mentality. Some sexist, some racist, some pessimist and some narcissist.
Not just that, we go through different conditions and different circumstances which ultimately molds up our mind and thought process.
Some are doomed in negativity and some are rejoicing in positivity.
Positive people are judged in a good way but the negative ones are judged and judged again in every single move they make and the people who judge them, think they won't be ever in a situation like others are. They would always rejoice and be happy. What they fail to understand is that we have to go through all of this, face all the scars, fill buckets with our tears to bring our best self out and to be strong as you were never before.
Some negative people have faced so much that they no more have the strength to hold on to negativity to themselves. They give out negativity, they shout, do mean things, irritate at times and that is totally not their mistake.
It would be ours if we judge the, because we don't know what they have been through.
Even if they are lying or pretending to gain sympathy, we never know, so we should never judge them.

Who knows we would be in their situation sometime soon.

Tough times

We feel low. We cry. We go through a lot of tough times. We share this mutual phases but at different times.
When someone is happy may be the other one is going through a really bad phase. Differences exist which makes sharing things uneasy.
What if the other person doesn't relates to it? And says something which you don't want to hear.
In loneliness you only want to do one thing, that is to talk to people, nothing else feels more satisfying. But we shouldn't. Just because we feel lonely doesn't mean we would reach out to any mean person which looks good or is desired by most of the people in your circles.
But doing this is tough. You don't have anyone to talk to and  you cannot seek out for anyone.
The fear of being judged remains.

Lonliness

What is loneliness? Is it really being alone? Or is it being alone mentally, when you're around a dozen of people but still you feel a sense of loneliness. What exactly it is?
May be it is different for, different kinds of people.
I,when I'm engrossed in some work however silly it might be I don't feel alone.
For me loneliness happens when in a Whatsapp group no one replies to your message.
When you hang out with your friends whom you know for around 5-6 years but you don't feel that sense of connection. You feel left out.
You crack jokes, you do all the fun stuff just to impress, it doesn't comes naturally as it should and then loneliness kicks in.
You feel miserable for a moment, you come home or sit somewhere and think about everything and anything.
About how many genuine people you have in your life. Does anyone actually cares about you?
When you're gonna find that special someone who is gonna understand all of your thoughts, who is gonna be there for you always.
I sometimes start to dream. Dream about how life would be with that special someone. Thinking all the good stuff that could happen to both of us.
Slowly it fades,something else comes up and you forget about it and loneliness is on pause for sometime. If you don't get distracted, you may cry for sometime which is even better because then you feel a lot more better.
Things get stable and the good phase kicks in. Maybe someone comes to meet you or may be you just start enjoy your own company.

To know a person

Knowing a person is like diving into a lake,

It may look clean and peaceful from the outside.

But it would have a lot of dirt settled deep down.

It's hard to go deep down the lake. But the curiosity pushes you always.

Once you are there, you disturb the settlement, making the water dirty, knowing how it really is, it is now how you react that matters.

It may also contain some really beautiful stones and fishes, some of them which you won't find in any other lake.

Some which are very hard to find.

Some which you like, and have always heard of.

But the choice is yours, to appreciate the stones and fishes? Or complain about how much dirty the lake is not allowing the dirt to settle down.

Once you're in the lake, how the lake looks is in your hands.

Choose to play with the fishes and appreciate the beautiful stones and let the dirt settle down.